while you waved 'goodbye'...

this little box.

From all the things you’ve done for me; this is the most confusing one… The last one, obviously. In a little box, you placed some ‘stuff’, all beautiful memories. It started of so well: a note. A note I wrote for you, february 3th, the first day we were together. I’m confused you still had it; it was something so small, so little, so unimportant; but it meant the world for you… ‘We’re gonna make something from this.’, that was all I wrote that day. ‘I love you’ would be way to early, I had some things to think about. I always wanted to say ‘I love you’ when I knew I was ready, and I believed it myself. I grasped again in that little box, a necklace… A necklace a friend once gave me; for my 14th birthday. Purple, beautiful. He had pulled it off and fixed it later on, but always forgot to give it back. Then a little blue light, one for the slow songs at concerts. On the paper inside, he had written the words ’as long as we’re together, this light will shine…’ It still works, and shines the whole room blue… When it’s dark… So i looked again, in the little box. A parfume-sample, his favourite. ‘I loewe you’, 2007. I wonder why I still had it when Thomas discovered it in the bathroom. ‘Oh hell yeah, this one’s good :D!’ He was so excited, without a reason… Every day… He just smiled through his life. There were also some bright marbles in it. I don’t know, he was obsessed by them. ‘Look darling, this one looks like the moon, and this one is like a giant ocean!’ I loved seeing him being crazy, my little clown… A little red light, shaped in a heart, that’s what came out next. It was the light from his bicycle. When he drove around, he turned it on, and the light flashed all the time. While flashing, he screamed ‘I love her, I love her, catch me if you caaa-aan!’ Well, after that, he kissed me; and I knew everything would be okay. Lots of other ‘stuff’ in here, I don’t even like the word ‘stuff’ anymore. So many ‘things’ I haven’t discovered yet, it’s so much… So much to explain, so much to understand :’(. Lots of memories in here. So many memories, so many moments… With him. Without him. I’m so lost. And alone. Every night I pray. Pray for him to come back. Humans can turn into stars; and I want it to be backwards… Every night I talk to him, while watching the stars. Every night I believe tomorrow will be a better day. Every night I hope. Every night I cry. And every night I hope the crying will be a relief somehow. And I keep telling myself it will be okay; but what if it doesn’t? What if happiness wasn’t meant to be, for me? What if…

What if I had told you I cared about you. You knew it, but maybe you forgot for a little moment? What if I had told you I love you? What if I could’ve stopped you? What if I was with you, that night. What if the night was magic and january 16 turned into january 18, without any reasons? What if you had told me what you were going through? What if Lucas was here? What if I had done something to make you feel better? What if you were still here… :’(?

I hope you were aware of that little spark. A spark of love. Something that was meant to be a big firework. You made it stop.

But darling, please, I love you :’( <T3

whatever you do, I will always love you :’(